


two years without, one with (you)

by Nara_stories



Category: Lord John Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Fluff, Happy Ending, Lord John and the Brotherhood of the Blade, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, brief discussions of past rape and prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:53:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27043804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nara_stories/pseuds/Nara_stories
Summary: What would have happened if John never went to Helwater to attend Geneva Dunsany's funeral? What if, instead, he stayed in London and got to know Percy Wainwright better? What if both of them were just a bit more honest and a bit more willing to talk?A sort-of fix-it to BotB, because apparently Jeff Woodman's soft, breathy Percy ate my brain and now I ship them. Go and listen to the audiobook if you don't know what I'm talking about ;) This is for all those who perhaps always liked Percy while I frowned and glared at him from the corner.A huge thanks to @geekinthepink for the beta and the title <3This work fills my "Hal Grey Lord Melton" square for the Outlander Bingo 2020
Relationships: Lord John Grey/Percy Wainwright
Comments: 21
Kudos: 30
Collections: Outlander Bingo Challenge





	two years without, one with (you)

**Author's Note:**

> In this story, John actively chooses to pursue a relationship with Percy instead of pining over Jamie. I see how some people might take this as an invitation to argue Jamie/John vs. John/Percy.  
> It's not.  
> Please don't make this into naval warfare in the comments or make a point for Jamie's benefit. I'm a multishipper and like to explore different sides of a situation. My fav ship is John/Happiness and I'm more than happy to have theoretical discussions. I just don't think this comment section is the right place for it. So if you want to tell me your theories, please find me on Tumblr (narastories). I'll be happy to chat.
> 
> Tbh I don't actually think anyone cares enough, but just for the peace of my mind, I'm going to ruthlessly moderate the comments. Thanks for the understanding. Enjoy!

For the last two years, John Grey had jumped on every opportunity to go to Helwater. He carefully disguised it with excuses of duty and friendship to the Dunsany family, but in his heart, his primary motivation was always something else: to visit Jamie Fraser.

This was the first time, he had an unquestionable reason to go to Helwater and found he did not want to. It had nothing to do with the harsh winter weather that made travel slow and dangerous and had everything to do with his soon to be stepbrother, Percy Wainwright. For since they had locked eyes in the library of the Beefsteak and recognition sparked between them, something shifted in John’s heart, quite without his assent.

His usual excuses were so deeply and firmly embedded in his mind by now that he couldn’t help but feel like he betrayed both his duty and the Dunsany’s friendship with this simple thought. Geneva Dunsany was dead and if he wanted to be in time for the funeral, he ought to leave London tomorrow morning.

This, however, would have meant not spending any more time in Percy’s company for the next week or so. It instantly made him wonder how important it really was for him to attend this funeral.

They were walking through Hyde Park in the snowfall back from Lady Jonas’s salon when he came to this realization. After the confinement of socializing, with the warm air settled between the folds of his coat he felt bold and invincible against the elements and could appreciate the refreshing caress of cold air on his face.

Percy too was flushed from socializing. The powder had worn off from his dark hair, and snowflakes settled on the top of his head instead. He seemed genuinely regretful, that he had another engagement for the evening with his stepfather, and couldn’t spend the rest of it with John. John regretted it too. The snowy air seemed to buzz with possibility around them, and he could so easily imagine them having dinner at the Beefsteak, talking over a few glasses of wine, and then perhaps slipping out into the night together.

When Percy proposed to meet instead the next evening for a quiet supper in his rooms, clearly pointing out the privacy to be had as an advantage, John’s heart leapt in his chest with excitement. And then, he realized with a horrible pang of disappointment that he was planning to depart the very next morning to the Lake District.

He looked at Percy and saw his own disappointment mirrored in his face. His eyes were almost black in the evening light, but still so very warm that John could see himself easily getting lost in them. They were framed with long lashes, and a few stray curls, adorned with white specks of snow by now.

“We were childhood friends with Geneva and her sister,” John explained to him. “Lady Dunsany hopes my presence would comfort Isobel. By which, of course, she means that perhaps pity combined with shared grief will finally compel me to marry her,” he added wryly. He only hesitated for a moment, before continuing, which should have been another glaring sign. “There is also a paroled Jacobite officer working as a groom in Helwater, whom as the last governor of the prison he was held captive in I’m required to visit every quarter. Although, he certainly wouldn’t miss me.”

And he? Wouldn’t he miss Jamie Fraser? Would he seriously choose the company of Percy Wainwright over even just a glimpse of Fraser? The man whose smallest scraps of attention he had been hoarding away in his memory like a treasure pile of mismatched knick-knacks in the last years?

He ducked his head and frowned at the snowy pavement. Jamie Fraser was a singular man, no doubt. He stirred John’s mind and body and inspired him to a devotion he couldn’t imagine before. Until today, John thought he would do anything to just bring some measure of comfort to the man in whatever capacity he allowed. Even if he would never hold his heart or receive his love.

Percy glanced at him and spoke.  
“You don’t owe me an explanation, John.”  
Percy wasn’t wearing gloves, and he rubbed his hands together to warm them up, then blew on his fingers enveloping them in a white cloud of his warm breath.

Simply hearing his name spoken with such an easy familiarity sent a thrill through his body, and he looked at Percy again, holding his gaze longer than what would have been accepted in social circles. He was right, of course, but interestingly, John found, that he wanted to explain. They barely had any time to get to know each other and explore what their mutual attraction could grow into. It seemed almost cruel to crush this budding thing now, that seemed more befitting to spring than winter.

He didn’t want Percy to think that he was so low on his list of priorities that he easily dismissed spending time with him. Somehow, the fact that Percy would have accepted this made it even worse. Come to think of it, he didn’t want to choose something, or even someone else. He felt hopeful, in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time. Maybe even since Hector…

That thought was scarier than all the previous ones combined and he cut it off quickly.

“The timing, however, is very inconvenient,” he spoke, aiming for a light-hearted tone. “Everyone said it would be foolish to set off in this weather, even my mother, and with the regiment’s impending departure there is simply so much to attend to here in London. I could not be blamed if any of these things prevented me from undertaking the journey.”

Percy’s eyes widened slightly. He seemed so used to being second, and that sparked something fierce and hot in John’s belly that he could not dismiss as simple lust. He continued.

“I will most likely find some urgent matter I will need to attend to here in London in the following days. After that, it will simply be too late to depart. I shall, of course, write a letter to the Dunsanys expressing my utmost regrets about my absence.”

Percy was openly staring at him now.  
“You can’t possibly stay just because of me.” He tried to make it sound playful, but there was an undertone of hesitation to his voice like he still didn’t believe he was the cause of John’s change of mind.

John stepped so that their shoulders brushed together and smiled at him.  
“What if I want to stay, it just also happens to be because of you?”

It was all worth for the expression on Percy’s face, he found. For a moment, they were alone in the snowfall. There was no one else in sight between the curve of the path and the distant light of the nearest building and John felt a silly urge to kiss him. He couldn’t, of course, but he slipped his right glove off and touched Percy’s elbow. Then he moved his hand until it found Percy’s.

Percy’s cold fingers curled in his palm for a moment.

“Tomorrow then?”

“Tomorrow.”

***

“Perseverance?”

“Go on. Laugh.” Percy glared at him and John couldn’t help but do just that.

They were in Percy’s room, small, but tidy, sharing a simple meal with a bottle of wine. There was a fire crackling in the fireplace and their ankles touched underneath the small table as they talked. It was Percy, who suggested they share a secret each with the other to get to know each other better.

“It’s an admirable virtue,” John said, still smiling. “It suits you. I guess it’s my turn to tell you a secret then.”

He took a sip of wine. He only had to think about it for a moment. This was something he could share with Percy, and hardly anyone else. Besides, Percy wouldn’t judge him, would he?  
“This Jacobite prisoner I spoke of,” he started. “When I was the governor of the prison, I propositioned him.”

Percy’s expression was shocked, but also clearly interested. John was glad he was right in thinking Percy’s reaction wouldn’t make him feel ashamed.  
“Did he accept?” he asked, leaning forward as if fishing for a juicy bit of gossip. John laughed again.  
“No. He threatened to kill me. And here I thought I was good at reading men.” He shook his head, grateful that he could make fun of the experience now, years later. “It was most embarrassing.”

It was strangely freeing to talk about Jamie Fraser to Percy. The rejection still stung, but it hadn’t hurt nearly as much as losing Hector did and somewhere John must have decided that forever longing for a man he could never have was better – easier and safer than to fall in love and potentially lose his lover again. As long as he was loving Jamie Fraser, his heart was safe, even if he wasn’t happy.

He realized now that he put the man on a pedestal like a patron saint to guide his heart, never to be given to another. Talking about him felt like wiping the anointing oil off his flame-haired statue. Jamie Fraser was never going to love him back, and John would be a coward to use him as a shield to protect himself from heartbreak.

Now that he saw the truth, he couldn’t turn away from it. He couldn’t pretend that he didn’t want something else: to love and to be loved in return. It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time, but John thought he could try. Being here with Percy instead of on the road towards Helwater made him feel like he was getting away with something. As if a new era had started and nothing would be the same anymore.

Percy got up to put more wood on the fire and when he came back he moved his chair to the right of the table so that he sat closer to John. They looked at each other and Percy gave John a smile that maybe started off as innocent, but really wasn’t.  
“Well, I would say it’s his loss.”

His gaze flicked down to John’s lips and John couldn’t help but mirror the movement. They leaned towards each other by some silent agreement.

Percy’s eyes were so dark in the candlelight, John could vaguely see his own reflection in them. He lifted his hand and brushed Percy’s face with the back of his fingers, making him sigh with a huff of breath John could feel on his lips. He couldn’t remember later who closed the gap between them. Percy’s lips were full and soft on his, tasting of the wine and John felt drunker than a moment before.

They didn’t do this in Lavender House. John remembered that dreamlike morning when he let himself be pulled into a room while everyone else was still sleeping in the grey light of dawn, but he asked Percy not to talk then and they hadn’t kissed. It was probably a good thing because John found once he started he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He lifted his other hand, gently exploring Percy’s face with his fingertips, while he brushed the tip of his tongue along the seam of his lips. Percy sighed and his elegant hands wandered onto John’s shoulders, pulling him closer. John sucked his bottom lip between his own, then the top one, and he found that he tasted divine underneath the wine too.

When they pulled back there was a moment of awkwardness, but then Percy cracked a smile and John smiled back, his heart lighter in his chest than before.

Their kisses gradually deepened and became more heated, wine and conversation both forgotten, but when Percy’s hand moved to his stock, John stopped him. He kissed his knuckles, his fingers, then he turned his hand over and kissed his palm. Percy raised a brow.  
“Won’t you let me undress you?”

John bit his lip.  
“What if we only kissed tonight?” he asked before he could think better. He didn’t know where the desire had come from. It wasn’t an attempt to stall, rather a wish to deepen their connection, to do it properly. He hastened to explain. “I don’t want it to feel like we’re still in Lavender House, where there is an expectation on what we do. What if we allowed ourselves not to rush?”

The truth was that men of their predilections always had to find satisfaction in stolen, hurried moments, never knowing when they would get another opportunity for company or privacy. They, of course, couldn’t be completely sure about the latter now either, but at least reasonably sure in the former if they both desired it. John wanted to keep and treasure this moment a while longer. He bent closer to Percy.

“What if we pretended, just for tonight, that we have all the time in the world? Keep it chaste and sweet for now? Like the beginnings of a courtship.”

Percy’s eyes were wide and bright and he was blushing. John remembered how on that morning he acted like a whore, although that was not the nature of things in Lavender House. Plenty of men there enjoyed that fantasy and John suspected that was the case when the young man asked: “What will you have, sir?”. It could have also been that John just didn’t think much about it, tired as he was. Now, he had the niggling suspicion that Percy thought he didn’t deserve to be treated better than a whore. His next words only added to this.

“But you want to fuck me.” It wasn’t formulated as a question, but John answered honestly, even as the words sent a jolt through his body.  
“Yes.”  
Percy’s eyes searched his face, then a slow smile spread out on his lips.  
“You are a romantic, John!”

John laughed.  
“Perhaps, I am.”

They kept talking and they kept kissing, thorough and languid. John let himself indulge in this simple act, without aspiring for more. These kisses weren’t a prelude to anything, they were the main course in themselves. He didn’t want anything else for the moment but the dance of their tongues and Percy’s long fingers in his hair.

By the end of the evening, they were sitting so close, their sides pressed together from shoulder to knee, that it would have only taken one move to pull Percy into his lap. Percy’s desire for him was obvious. John could practically feel his whole body humming for him, and John’s own body was no doubt answering with the same enthusiasm. It made him feel light-headed.

Just before he was leaving, Percy crowded him against the door, and kissed him one more time, pressing the long lines of his body to John. It almost made John change his mind. He enjoyed lingering on this strange precipice of desire though, drawing it out, without giving in yet. So, he softened the kiss and let Percy pull away on his own, not wanting to push him away.

Percy huffed.  
“You are cruel, John, you know that?” Not waiting for an answer, he bent to John’s ear and whispered. “I will touch myself thinking of you tonight.”

John sucked in a breath, a wave of fresh desire pulsing through his body.  
“You are still more cruel, my dear. I have to also walk home in this state,” he replied, and Percy laughed at him. John added, “Rest assured, I will be similarly occupied later,” making him choke on that laugh.

John kissed his hand again.  
“I’m looking forward to continuing this, Perseverance, my dear.”

***

The next day the ship meant to transport the regiment had sunk in the harbour, the day after there was an outbreak of fever in the barracks and the snow blessedly continued to fall. His mother was relieved to find out John wouldn’t go to Helwater after all. Hal, not so much. He hated when things didn’t go according to plan, or if there were alterations made to plans he did not approve of. John shrugged it off. It was none of his business.

It was a few days later that John and Hal had taken Percy to their favoured salle des armes for his first lesson in sword fighting. John had made a point of showing off by beating his elder brother and was rewarded by getting to spend an hour gently practising with Percy.

He didn’t have a natural talent for it, but John assured him that many officer’s hadn’t and that it wasn’t as important as he might think. There were other weapons to use in a fight and other virtues to distinguish himself as an officer. Swordplay, however, required one to pay close attention to the body of his opponent and Percy’s performance wasn’t due to a lack of focus on his end. John too was aware of Percy’s every breath and every glance for an hour, and by the end of it, the air between them felt charged, like the air in a storm just before lightning was about to strike.

When they exited into the bright and cold afternoon in search of a replenishing luncheon, John almost proposed to cancel their plans for the rest of the day and just go straight to Percy’s rooms. He imagined the afternoon sunlight on Percy’s naked skin and it made a shiver of anticipation run down his spine.

Percy, who didn’t lack imagination, must have picked up on this because he sent him an impish smile.  
“You are not too tired to show me around the parade grounds, are you John? I really wish to learn the chain of command and acquaint myself with how these drills are conducted.”

His eyes were sparkling mischievously and John knew he was giving him a taste of his own medicine. He huffed and raised an eyebrow.  
“You will have to do better than that to tire me out.”

Percy’s smile widened into a grin.  
“I shall try again later. For now, I heard patience is a virtue.”

In the end, it just made the anticipation burn higher by the time they were truly finished with every regiment-related task for the day. When they reached Percy’s room there was nothing of their careful restraint from their previous evening together.

As soon as the door was locked, they were kissing, fingers sneaking under offending garments to seek out all the places they only explored with their eyes so far. John flipped them around, pushing Percy against the door.

“And now, we will practice the most important lesson,” he panted, “of how to obey your superior officer.”

Percy was breathing heavily too, his pupils dilated by lust. His voice was like honey.  
“That would be you?”

John kissed him again to chase after that sweetness.  
“Damn correct.” He bent close to Percy’s ear and let a hint of steel show in his voice as he gave an articulate command. “Strip. I want you naked on the bed, hands above your head, feet apart.”

Percy shivered, and John saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. Then he said, very evenly: “Yes, sir.” It was John’s turn to swallow, mouth suddenly dry.

Percy did as he was told, while John discarded his own garments. Between waistcoat and breeches, he stopped to ask, “Front or back?”

John pulled him close, fumbling with his flies and kissed him.  
“It’s very good that you ask for details necessary to carry out a task. On your back.”

It seemed like Percy was good at following orders and John rewarded him by taking out the small vial of rose-scented oil from his pocket and finally making love to him. Percy wrapped his graceful naked limbs around him as he took him and moaned his name.

John stayed the night. Percy folded himself into his arms, both of them sated, and when John woke up the next morning, Percy was still snoring softly on his shoulder. The sight made something flutter in his chest, and he didn’t dare move a muscle, afraid of disturbing his sleep. When Percy finally blinked his eyes open and gave him a soft, sleepy smile, John’s heart tripped on the next beat, and he knew he was in trouble.

Percy rolled on top of him and their lazy kisses soon turned into heated groping. The room was chilly, but it was warm underneath the blankets. John felt rested, and relaxed in a way he didn’t in a very long time, and the slide of their naked skin caused a certain part of his anatomy to be interested in resuming the previous night’s activities. Percy was similarly affected and when he rolled his hips, John realized with a pang of unease that he probably wanted the roles to be reversed.

He hesitated. He let men take him occasionally, out of a strange sense of courtesy, but the fact that Percy wasn’t just another man somehow made it worse. He couldn’t just do it and simply resent him afterwards. He stroked a hand down Percy’s spine and pulled his head back so that he could look him in the eye. Percy sensed the change in his mood.

“What is it, John?” When John didn’t reply he added with a light tone that seemed to disguise genuine insecurity: “You can say if you don’t want another go.”

That hidden insecurity compelled John to speak.  
“That is not it. I very much wish to make love to you again, my dear.” He stroked Percy’s face while he struggled to articulate his feelings. He knew what he wanted to say, but the words seemed to be lodged in his throat. “I know it would only be polite for me to let you take me, and I would,” he hastened to add. Damn, he was blushing from embarrassment. He could feel his cheeks burning. “I’m afraid it’s not that easy for me.”

He stared at Percy’s collarbone, delaying having to see the disappointment on his face. When he finally glanced up, however, he saw no such thing. Percy’s expression softened and he settled more comfortably on top of him, his half-hard prick safely nestled into the crease of his thigh, present, but not advancing.  
“I understand,” he said simply. John blinked.

“I think with time, we could… I would be willing to,” he pushed on, still embarrassed by the way he was tripping over his words, but he needed to explain. He let out a frustrated sigh and forced himself to speak calmly and plainly. “It’s simply that someone in the past had taken me that way, by force, and it makes it hard for me to enjoy.”

There was nothing but sympathy in Percy’s eyes and a depth of understanding that caused John to be horrified.

“I’m sorry, John. You can’t possibly think I would want to do anything that you may not enjoy.”

There was a bubble of warmth swelling in his chest at those words and the simple acceptance in them.

“However, I don’t think my arse can take another round,” Percy added bluntly with an apologetic smile. John smiled too.

“Well, I would be more than willing to use my mouth on you, my dear. I hear I am quite good at it.”

Not to mention that the thought of burying his nose into the dark curls between Percy’s legs made his mouth water. Percy made a strangled sound, that was clearly enthusiastic agreement and they didn’t talk for a while after.

***

Percy turned out to be much better with a musket than with a sword, however, John discovered that he could not dance. John assured him that it was indeed important that he learned that too and quickly asked Minnie for assistance in the matter. She was more than willing to arrange private lessons for Percy with her dance instructor. Minnie was also delighted by Percy and lead her to start showing him steps on the spot, her round, pregnant belly not hindering her in the least.

John stayed and watched the unfolding scene, which was quite entertaining. He was secretly pleased Minnie liked Percy. John got so carried away by the good mood that when she stepped out for a few minutes, he stood up and walked up to Percy.

“Come on,” he said with a playful tone. “Hal will be cross if we tire his wife out. Show me what you’ve learned.”

Percy looked at him and started blushing.  
“You mean to…” his eyes darted around the empty room. John smiled at him, unconcerned. They were alone, and even if a member of their family should see them, this was quite acceptable. Could be brushed off as part practice, part a simple jest between step-brothers. Percy realized this too and asked matching John’s tone of voice.  
“Which one of us do you suppose should play the woman?”

John pursed his lips, pretending to think.  
“You should learn how to lead. So, please imagine, I’m a fine lady.”

Percy tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh, but put one of his hands on John’s waist and offered the other. John slid his right hand into Percy’s left and rested his left lightly on his shoulder. John counted the steps as they began to move, haltingly, and awkwardly, but to some extent following a pattern. He simply enjoyed Percy’s closeness even while he was performing the steps of a waltz backwards.

“One, two, three, not so fast. I’m a delicate flower, remember?” Percy faltered, stepped on his foot and they broke off both sniggering.

This was what Hal saw when he opened the door, clearly only arriving home a minute earlier. He frowned at them, and Percy drew back under his scrutinizing gaze.

“What are you doing?”

“Teaching Percy to dance,” John replied calmly. Hal’s frown deepened.  
“Well, don’t do that. There’s a reason why I pay the dance instructor.” He gave them another hard look. “Besides, I need you to take this to Quarry, John,” he said, producing a folded note.

John didn’t protest, but when Hal turned away for a second, touched Percy’s arm and rolled his eyes. That made Percy smile.

When he was just about to step out the door though, his brother’s hand landed heavily on his shoulder. He turned around, already annoyed, and found Hal with a profoundly displeased expression on his face.  
“What?”

“Don’t do anything foolish, John,” his brother said. John held his gaze steadily.

“What are you talking about?”

His brother huffed.  
“Don’t play stupid. Haven’t you learned anything, for God’s sake?” he hissed, and John felt anger rising in him.

He had an idea what Hal was hinting at and the fact that his brother thought the lesson in it was not to get involved with anyone at all made him irrationally furious, but they couldn’t bloody well have this argument on the doorstep.

“I thought you wanted me to take this note right now.”

He shook off his brother’s hand and took off, not looking back. He watched his feet, kicking through the freshly fallen snow as he walked. He had burned himself by loving a man before, that was true, and his brother knew it, to a certain extent. Losing Hector had taken a part of his heart with him and his resulting descent into the dark bowels of London’s society had led him to George Everett and his eventual exile to Ardsmuir.

There was maybe even a time when he believed the moral of this story was not to love a man again. At least not a man with whom that love could be fulfilled. He was quite willing to throw his heart at Jamie Fraser’s feet, who would only spit at it, but he wouldn’t give himself any real chance at love. He could see that now. He could see that, because when Percy Wainwright smiled at him, everything became so crystal clear he couldn’t not see it.

He still wasn’t sure if he could love him like he once loved Hector–perhaps he would never love like that again–but he was determined to try, and he wasn’t going to let his brother prevent him in that.

***

Unfortunately, Hal was a high handed bastard and very much like a bloodhound – almost impossible to throw him off once he got a scent.

“When is your commendation, do you know it?” John asked Percy casually one day. Percy looked uncomfortable.  
“Melton said he needed to consider it.”

John stopped in his tracks.  
“Consider it?” he echoed flabbergasted.

When he learned that his brother had been leading Percy on for a week now with excuses about officially taking him on to the regiment, he confronted Hal instantly.  
“Do you think he’s unfit for it? That he could not grow up to the task?” he asked, unable to keep the accusation out of his voice.

“No,” his brother replied, “but I would only take him as an ensign. Perhaps he wants to join the Fifty-first after all instead. They would make him a captain right away.”

John looked at him with his mouth open.  
“He’s purchasing this commission. He made his preference clear.”

“Yes, he did,” his brother snapped at him, before reeling himself in and John felt cold fury settle in the pit of his stomach.

“We started taking him around and introducing him, giving the impression we intend to take him on,” he said, trying to sound reasonable. “It would make us look foolish to refuse him now. Besides, need I remind you that he is going to be a part of this family?”

Hal’s face took on an alarming shade of purple.  
“I believe it’s you who needs to be reminded of that,” he hissed. “Have you really no shame, John?”

John lifted his chin and looked at Hal square in the eye.  
“What exactly are you implying?” he asked with icy coldness. If his brother wanted to confront him about this he would have to do so in plain speech because he was refusing to let him chastise him from his moral high-horse while he wasn’t even capable of saying the words.

Hal ground his teeth and John could see a muscle jumping in his jaw.  
“I’m trying to protect both of you,” he said, sounding annoyed, then deflated a little. “I don’t want you to get attached and be upset if he gets himself killed.”

He carefully did not mention Hector’s name correctly assuming that it would be an open declaration of war to do so.

John indeed felt an unpleasant sensation at the thought of Percy getting killed, but ignored this in favour of replying flatly.  
“Because I would feel nothing at all if you got yourself killed. Really, Hal? Spare my feelings. It is mother, Percy and the General whom you’ll be upsetting if you are sabotaging his commission.”

Percy did get his papers in the end, even if Hal looked supremely unhappy about it.

***

His mother and Olivia went to the theatre, and after that, they were meeting with friends, by which John knew they meant the Countess’ unofficial book club where a few ladies were sharing and discussing books with each other that would have made their husbands blush.

John used the opportunity to invite Percy, and they locked themselves into John’s room with a bottle of wine and a plate of food. Tom Byrd, who brought the food and drinks up for them acted as if there was nothing more natural in the world and John carefully didn’t think about how much his young and frighteningly perceptive valet knew by now.

They made love quietly, which gave both of them an unexpected thrill. John thought there might be a bruise tomorrow where Percy bit into the meat of his palm when he came, and for some reason it made him want to grin like a maniac.

Percy was wrapped up in John’s banyan, the fabric slipping to the side to reveal one of his long thighs. His curls were dishevelled and he was sipping a glass of wine, leaning his back to the headboard of John’s bed, and John wanted to commit every detail of this image to memory.

Percy gazed at him in much the same way, although John didn’t think he himself looked as good with his crumpled shirt thrown back on against the winter air that came in through the open window as they decided to air the smell of their activities out of the room.

“Have you ever been in love, John?” Percy asked softly, barely above a whisper.

“Yes,” John answered, idly twisting Hector’s sapphire ring around his finger. “Do you want me to tell you about it?”

“Only if you don’t mind,” Percy assured him and John found that he really didn’t. He told him everything. Once he started, he could not stop nor omit anything to conceal it from Percy. He told him about Hector, about his death, everything that led him to Ardsmuir and then he also told him about Jamie Fraser.

“You probably saved his life,” Percy commented.

John shrugged. “Perhaps.” He had no idea why Percy was looking at him like it was a good thing. “I do believe now that my love for him was misplaced. I often misplace items,” he added to lighten the mood.

Percy smiled at him.  
“Yes, I’ve noticed that.”

Percy bit his lip and there was a heartbeat of silence, before he spoke again.  
“Can I trust you with my own story? Would you like to know?”

John reached for him and pulled him into an embrace.  
“You can trust me with anything, my dear.”

They burrowed underneath the blankets to keep warm, bodies comfortably fitting together and Percy quietly and haltingly told him about how he sold his body to put food on the table.  
“It wasn’t always for money, you know? It was part of how I’ve discovered my own interest lay in that way too.”

It didn’t seem to distress him to talk about it, but John stroked a comforting hand through his hair anyways. Percy lifted his head and looked him in the eye seriously.  
“But it’s done now. When you said you didn’t want to rush I knew what was between us was different. I hope you don’t think less of me because of this.”

John’s heart was beating rapidly in his chest, and he was sure Percy could hear it.  
“Never,” he said, sincerely.

Percy let out a breath that sounded like relief and continued.  
“The man who arranged the meetings, I can’t give you his name, but I told him I wouldn’t do it anymore.” He seemed to hesitate, but then he spoke again. “I also talked with Michael.” Percy bit his bottom lip again and John felt a surge of possessiveness at the sound of another man’s name on Percy’s lips. He got out of bed to close the window.  
“Michael?” he asked, aiming for a casually inquiring tone and failing miserably. “Is he German?”

“Yes. Michael Weber, he’s a soldier too. That wasn’t for money,” he admitted. “He was one of the better ones, although that is not saying much. It doesn’t matter though, I’ve broken it off with him. The moment I thought… realized that this between us could be something more.”

His words dissolved the ugly feeling of jealousy in John’s chest to something warm.  
“Neither of them took it very well, but it’s over now, so you can come back here now, John,” Percy added with a hint of amusement.

John huffed and did. For a moment none of them spoke.  
“It would seem like both of us had made arrangements so that nothing could interfere with this and I am grateful.”

Percy moved closer and John could feel he was hiding a smile in the crook of his neck. His heart jumped in his chest.  
“Will you tell me if anyone gives you trouble?”

“I will. I don’t want to bring shame to you, or to this family. It may be selfish, but I want a better life and I want to be with you.”

“I think it’s not selfish if you aspire for a better life,” John said. “I think it’s brave.”

***

“Do you often find yourself as the protagonist of such adventurous tales?” Percy asked, when they stumbled back after the wedding, both – now officially – stepbrothers pleasantly drunk on a few fortifying glasses of wine. They needed it – and a bath – after the traumatic experience of accidentally being the ones to deliver Olivia’s baby.

“I was hardly the sole protagonist of this one,” John replied. Percy shot him a look.

“You quite literally yanked me into trouble.”

John laughed and gave in.  
“Yes, it does happen quite a bit. You might have to get used to it, my dear.”

Percy toed off his boots and sat on the bed.  
“I guess poor little Cromwell could have done worse than us in terms of midwives.”  
“Well, not much worse,” John said, sitting down beside him.

They fell silent, but it was a companionable one. Then, Percy let out a sigh and leaned against John.  
“I think my stepfather is very much in love with your mother.”  
John thought of the couple looking at each other during the ceremony and could not agree more.  
“It would seem like love can find you at any age.”  
“Or in any circumstance,” Percy added.  
“With the most inconvenient person even, if you think about my brother.” John had told Percy the tale of how Hal and Minnie became married.

“At least the General didn’t abduct your mother,” Percy joked, making John laugh again. “I would have liked to see him try.”

“I’m happy for them,” he added. “I don’t think one can choose who to fall in love with,” he mused.  
Percy’s eyes sparkled in the low light.  
“You must be right,” he said. “We probably have little choice in the matter. Not that I have much experience.” It seemed to be his turn to hesitate. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before, and it caught me quite unaware.”

John’s heart jumped at this implication. Percy’s long fingers were suddenly on his face. They stared at each other, and for a moment John foolishly wished Percy wouldn’t say it.

Fortunately, Percy didn’t hear his thoughts, because when he said it, John felt as if his heart would burst with happiness.

“I love you.”

John kissed Percy, gentle but lingering.

“And I you.”

***

John wasn’t sure when he started counting the days to the regiment’s departure, but he knew their number was diminishing rapidly. He felt the usual excitement since he always grew restless when staying in one place for too long. He was also excited to share this experience with Percy and did not doubt that he would do well.

However, both of these feelings were subdued. He knew they would be able to spend little time together in private if any at all while on campaign. It was also the first time since Hector when he would be going to war with his lover and the thought clenched his belly in an iron fist from time to time.

He felt the invisible clock ticking every time they made love. They used every opportunity to steal away, and their nights became more and more frantic as if they could imprint the touch of the other into their skin. On their last night together in London, John felt the strange mixture of love, desire, fear and desperation claw at his chest from the inside and he pressed the vial of rose-scented oil into Percy’s hand.  
“Take me,” he said, no more than an urgent whisper.  
Percy’s eyes widened, his cheeks flushing even more.  
“Are you —“ John stopped him with a finger on his lips.  
“I’m sure.”

The scent of roses filled the room as Percy slicked up his well-manicured, elegant fingers. He took more care with the preparations as any of John’s previous lovers. John slowly let himself relax and feel every moment of it, and when Percy casually asked him if he wanted a third finger, he only replied in a pleasantly surprised voice.  
“Yes, please,” he said, as if he were agreeing to a second helping of a dessert he thought there was nothing left and not to one more of Percy’s slender, dexterous, glorious fingers up his arse.

He didn’t feel any discomfort when Percy finally sank into him, slow and even. John had the distinct feeling of letting him in, in more than one sense. Percy took him tenderly and thoroughly and John would have been quite ashamed of the sounds he made, were he not completely occupied with pushing back against his thrusts and encouraging Percy not to stop when he found a particularly good angle.

When they caught their breaths, John slid out of bed and went to search for his coat. Until that moment he wasn’t quite certain if he wanted to give Percy the gift he prepared. His legs were still a bit unsteady, his flesh pleasantly tingling from the waist down, but he found the coat and amongst the assorted objects the one he deliberately put in there.

The metal was cool in his palm as he crawled back into bed and settled with his back against the headboard. Percy looked at him curiously.  
“I wanted to give you something,” John said and opened his fist, revealing the ring laying on his palm. He watched the emotions flashing across Percy’s face as he stared at it. Shock, pleasure, fear. He reached out hesitantly and took the ring. It was made out of silver in a simple design, but there was a hidden inscription on the inside and Percy turned it into the light to read this.

When he looked back at John his eyes were shining with emotion.

“You’re not planning to die, are you?” John liked that their minds were so attuned to each other, that he instantly knew Percy was referring to Hector’s ring. He was suddenly emotional himself.

“No, my dear. I can’t remember the last time when I had so much appetite for life,” he replied honestly.

There were so many things he wanted to experience with Percy. Peace, war, travel. “I just wanted to give you something to remind you to keep going, even when it gets hard. That, and that I love you.”

Percy looked at the inscription again.  
“I hope it’s not too…?” John started, recalling the words.

_Persevere My Love_

Percy shook his head.  
“No,” he said, voice a bit watery. “It’s perfect. Thank you, John.”

John kissed him and slid the ring onto his finger.

***

John needn’t have worried, Percy was quite up to the task of an ensign, in fact, John had the feeling he enjoyed being on campaign more than he himself expected. Percy told him that he never set foot outside of the British Isles before and watching him go through the experience brought great joy to John. They were both aware that they had to be extremely careful, so they didn’t touch, even if John’s fingers itched to do so, but they often eat their supper together in the company of others.

Everything would have gone well if not for Michael Weber. Until this point, John had no particular opinion on their last-minute stationing into Germany, but when he turned a corner in camp and saw a tall blond man grab Percy’s arm he instantly regretted that they didn’t go to France.

The man was in Hanoverian uniform and was standing much closer to Percy than what would have been acceptable. John couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but the man’s gaze was intent in a way that he could clearly interpret. There was nothing, however, on Percy’s face reciprocating that intent. He looked uncomfortable and distraught, but when he tried to pull free the German, who’s identity John quickly guessed, yanked him closer with a flash of annoyance on his face.

“Is there a problem, gentlemen?” John asked loudly in his best officer voice. The reaction was immediate: Weber stepped back – although he did not let go of Percy’s arm – and relief flooded Percy’s face.

“Just a personal business,” Weber said, still annoyed. Percy tugged his arm free and stepped away.

“We have no more personal business, as I already told you,” he said, glaring at him. “In London. Months ago,” he added acidly.

John turned to Weber with a politely disinterested facial expression.  
“In that case, I would ask you to leave my man alone. I wouldn’t like to report your behaviour to your superior officer.”

There was only the slightest emphasis on the words “my man”. John was not a direct superior to Weber, but clearly above him in rank and so he allowed himself this small possessiveness.  
“I could have something to report too,” Weber said gruffly.  
John raised a brow at him.  
“Are you threatening me, sir?”

Percy spoke up before Weber could reply.  
“Michael, I told you it was over. We had a good time, and I was fair about it. You have no reason to complain.”

Then, he made the mistake of glancing at John. Without the right context, no one would have deducted anything from that look, but for John the warmth in it was evident. Unfortunately, for the German too. He spat and said something very rude in his own language which both John and Percy understood clearly.

Percy whirled around and for a moment John thought he was going to strike the man. Since John was senior both in age and military rank, he quickly took the initiative, stepped forward and punched the man square in the face before Percy could do it.

Weber was quite a bit taller than him, but John was used to fighting men bigger than his size. His right hook snapped the man’s head to the side with an audible crack. John did not wait for him to recover. He fisted a hand into the front of his uniform and slammed him against the nearest tree, causing him to lose his footing and slide down so that their eyes were level.

“If you repeat that, we will have this out with swords, do you understand me? And should you so much as approach him again without explicit orders to do so I will make sure that you are dismissed from the regiment.”

Weber grabbed his forearms and pushed him back, making him stumble slightly, but it was with the air of a man who knew he lost. There was no doubt John would be able to ruin him either with sword or influence. He sent a last angry look towards Percy, but the left, grumbling under his breath.

“You needn’t have done that,” Percy said to John. “It would have been alright.”

For a moment John thought he overstepped, but Percy’s tone was soft and his eyes warm.  
“Thank you,” he added.

John briefly touched his arm.  
“I know you could have handled it, but you don’t have to do it alone any more.”

Percy looked anxious for a moment.  
“You’re sure he won’t say anything… incriminating?”

John shrugged.  
“He can say what he likes. He has no proof, only my word against his.”  
They all knew how that would end.

Percy’s smile turned mischievous. He looked around, bent closer and whispered into John’s ear.  
“In that case, I would tell you that it was very arousing.”

***

Although John didn’t think anyone saw the incident or that Weber would boast about getting punched in the face, somehow word got to his brother. Hal was furious, of course.  
“What were you thinking? You are supposed to prevent petty fighting like that, not participate in them.” He ran a hand down his – quite purple face. “We’re on campaign for God’s sake!”

John resisted from rolling his eyes.  
“He insulted me and Percy. Really, he was asking for it,” he said.

Hal glared at him.  
“I should get you whipped.”

John did not get whipped. He also, however, didn’t think anything further would come from the matter. It was much later when he found out that the note had been sent by Michael Weber.

***

Besides the French and common illnesses, the incompetent handling of gunpowder was probably the biggest threat to inexperienced soldiers. The explosion of a powder keg would have been terrible in any case, but not necessarily surprising.

It had been quite the creative scheme John gave Weber that.

Percy, not experienced enough to know what order by whom was expected to be delivered by note didn’t question it. The thought that horrified John later was that he would have never known about it in time. The only reason he was there was that he wanted to speak to Hal and upon spotting him, immediately approached his brother, who also just happened to stand right beside the barrel in question.

What John did not know was whether Weber meant to kill or injure Percy, or whether he wanted to portray him in a light where his supposed incompetence led to injury of others. Not that it really mattered. In the end, everything happened quite quickly.

John was still a few meters away from Hal when Percy seemed to spot something behind his brother’s back. Then he shouted, lounged himself at Hal just before there was a horribly loud bang as the barrel exploded behind them.

The air was filled with black smoke and there were alarmed shouts from all around. John himself ran blindly towards the two men lying on the ground. Throughout the smoke, he saw something glinting. It was a silver ring, on Percy’s slender hand. For a moment his heart ceased to beat.

Then the hand moved, and John was able to breathe again.

Percy caught a shrapnel with his shoulder, and Hal banged his head hard into the ground, but otherwise, they were both unharmed. Still, John hovered anxiously over the surgeon while he removed the shrapnel, cleaned and stitched up Percy’s wound, wanting to be sure that the damned man washed his hands and equipment properly.

Percy, in his torn and bloody shirt, grinned at him.  
“My first battle-scar. Rather fetching, don’t you think?” His face was beaming underneath the black soot of gunpowder. John, who already thought Percy to be more than handsome without any scars, took out his handkerchief when the surgeon left the tent and started gently wiping Percy’s face.

When the tent-flaps opened again he quickly retreated his hand, but it was only Hal. His elder brother looked rather uncomfortable. Since he was not a man for meaningless talk, he instantly got to the point.

“You’ve saved my life,” he said to Percy. “I’m indebted to you.”

Percy took this quite clipped admission with considerable grace.  
“I would have done it for anyone, really. Let alone, for a brother.” However, he did not brush it off. “If you want to do something in return though, you know already what I would ask.”

Hal looked at him, and Percy looked at John.  
“You could stop acting on the assumption that I will ruin your brother.”

Hal frowned.  
“You’ll both end up on the gallows,” he said grimly. “I should repay you by sending one of you away, and sparing both of your lives.”

John, who had an extensive amount of experience in dealing with Hal, knew he didn’t mean it. Hal rarely announced he would do things. He either did them, before you could prepare for the blow, or they were idle threats.

And so he grinned and put an arm around his brother’s shoulder.  
“Oh, but that would be so dull. I would rather get shot now than to live a life without adventure and love.”

***

In the end, Weber got dismissed very fast, when his role in the incident was revealed. Percy turned out to be an admirable officer and quickly advanced to second lieutenant. He didn’t always follow protocol, and still got shouted at quite often, but the men liked him a lot. John even more.

In the winter, they went to Italy, just like they agreed, where they spent their days wandering the streets of Rome and eating good food, and their nights drinking wine and making love to one another.

They lay tangled on the bed, both stunned with pleasure when it occurred to John. He sat up slightly.  
“I believe it was exactly a year ago, to the day, when we first got properly introduced.”

Percy didn’t move from where he was laying halfway across him, only turned his head and blinked up at him through his dark curls. He seemed only mildly surprised.  
“But we have met once before. I instantly set my eyes on you, you know?”

John smiled.  
“I had the feeling,” he answered, then admitted, “but it was only in the Beefsteak when I started noticing you back.”  
This time Percy turned his full body and crawled up on the bed until he could kiss him.

“You were worth the wait.”

John lifted his hand and kissed his knuckle, just above his silver ring.

“Perhaps, there was a good reason, they named you Perseverance, after all.”


End file.
